The Ed Abides

These kids is like pirates who eat sunshine. It don't make no sense!
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Sometimes there's a man, I won't say a hero, cause what's a hero? But sometimes there's a man. And I'm talkin' about The Ed here--sometimes there's a man who, well, he's the man for his time and place, he fits right in there--and that's The Ed, in Las Vegas. Sometimes there's a man, sometimes there's a man who--Well, I lost my train of thought here, but aw hell, I've done introduced him enough...

Okay, so I haven't posted any new Edisms in awhile, but I've saved up quite a bit of them, and figured that in these dark and troubled times as the NFL season is just about over and the specter of a long horible offseason is before us, well, I figured we could use a little Ed wisdom.

The last time Vertically Striped Socks did a story on Ed (or "The Ed" as he is often known) was back in May of 2009. If you missed that story, and need a little bit of background on this interesting man from Vegas, you can read that story here:

http://www.verticallystripedsocks.com/2009/05/one-only-ed.html

If you're up to speed on The Ed, then you know what you're in for. So without further ado, I present to you another batch of Edisms, fresh and piping hot from the oven for all you kids...


This one pretty much sums up The Ed's philosophy on life:

"As long as I know what I’m sayin’, It don’t matter what I’m talkin’ about. "

The Ed is a huge Colts fan, here are some of his recent Indianapolis related thoughts...

"The Colts gonna win it all, man. Listen. It’s a forgiven conclusion."

"The Colts defense is a lot better now that we got rid of that god dang devil, Tony Dungy, trying to run it."

"You gotta feel sad for the Colts cause for some unknown reason these people still think that Tom Brady is better than the Peyton Manning. And we all know that's a fabrication of elushinations. "

Craig Dodge: "How much longer is Peyton Manning going to play?"
Ed: "He'll play 'til he's 57, probably."

"The destiny is that Peyton Manning is the greatest quarterback of all time, and people, he got to get at least two to verify it. Three will superfy it. And the fourth one he gets will triple dipple try it. And that’s all I’m sayin’. "

Yeah, it's safe to say that Ed is convinced that the Colts are going to beat the Saints in Super Bowl XLIV and win it all. He's not even worried about it. Another thing he doesn't even worry about is talking about other people...Here are some more Ed quotes where Ed let's people know the situation in America when it comes to his friends and acquaintances on the Dameshek.com message board.

"First of all, you’re a Veginarian, you don’t even eat no food! You’re always sick, you always got problems, you always busy. I’ve never seen somebody who don’t eat meat who’s busy and always sick. That’s three unbelievable combinations, that’s like a combination platter at Taco Bell, it don’t even make sense. "

"This guy makes rhymes that don't even rhyme. I've never seen a poem kid who don't even know how to make nothing rhyme. "

"He had no competition, every entry form we sent back had his name on it. It was a unonimous selection."

"It take me 9 hours a day to update this stuff (FYI, "this stuff" is a wide array of games which Ed runs for the kids on Dameshek.com), and then don’t no one even care about it. They just sign up like God dang munchkins, man."

"You’re like a god dang Canadian Football field. Too many yards, man."

"You cry all the time, man. You’re like 2nd down and 36."

"Him and his Dad went to a Father-Son picnic, and his Dad took a stuffed animal."

"The (message) board is chalk full of haters, all these kids from Haiti."

"Look, this kid knows what he's talking about, Face Ventura. (Ed says as he reads a message from a message boarder with the screen name Face Ventura congratulating Ed for the Colts winning) "Congrats Ed." Now see, that kid knows what he's talkin about, that kid is always on time for school. He'll make sure people got lunches, he'll make sure that people got their clothes ironed and pressed. Every. Single. Time. He don't fool around."

"He afraid to call in, cause he don't even know how to dial a phone, he's so scared. "

"These guys always got, like a, conspiracy theory, Like Number 1-9, when he lose his shoelaces in the mall. He think the guy who's the security guard took em, and I'm like, 'No, he didn't do nothing.' "

"Man, this kid, The Whale (A message boarder with a screen name of The Whale, not an actual whale.), he does a lot of things for that kinda species, you know. He goes out and feeds fishes, and he goes out and buys fish tanks for other cities that don't got em."

"Why do you like hockey so much, what, you got a winter coat of somethin’?" (Ed doesn't understand the appeal of hockey as a sport.)

As much fun as it is to hear Ed talk about other people, some of his best lines come when he's talking about himself:

"This guy has a vendella against me, He’s got to, there’s no other choice about it. I don’t know if it’s somebody that’s jealous of me and my good looks or me and things that happen in America that go down when people got on sweaters."

"I just found a nickel right here on the ground! Ah, I found two of em. Heh, A quarter, A quarter and a nickel. That’s 44 cents!"

"It was a long Stupedulous altitude of different arrays of things for me to do."

"I don’t wanna hear no gripin, no cryin, no airplane flyin."

"The people talk all kinds of stuff about me and say, “Aw, man, you got pillows on both sides of your bed.” And all this stuff like that."

"Santa Claus got Rudolph and Donner and Blitzen and Mary Jo, all the reindeer. I don’t got those."

"They afraid to say it to my face, that’s why they don’t call in. They probably think they’ll catch a cold when they talk to me, cuz I’m sick, but I’m not gonna contagious em."

"These guys always get mad when I'm right, and they know that I'm always right. I'm usually right over 100% of the time."

Then of course, there are the times when I have no idea what Ed is talking about...sometimes those are some of The Ed's best moments:

Ed: "I’m super deluxe mad at this point."
Mike Dell: "Why are you so mad, though, The Ed? It’s just competition, you know, what’s wrong?"
Ed: "No No No No, there’s no competition when I’m the champ. Listen, They already know that I’ve set, I’ve set the pattern for this whole rotation of the earth and then they go around and act like that they run a Taco Bell or some stuff like that, you know? They act like light sockets don’t even got switches on em, you know? That’s how they act, sometimes."

"You don't know what the heck go on in the Philippines, I don't, You don't, People who run airlines, and people who make stop signs don't."

"No one knows what can happen, you know, it's like going down a one-way street three different directions. It's uncharted territory."

"Sometimes if you get a black pen and you try to write in blue ink, it don’t always work."

"It's all in the scheme of things, man, in America. When you look in the sky and you turn it to the degrees of the what you want it to be, that's what happens."

Yup, The Ed Abides. I don't know about you, but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there, the Ed, takin' 'er easy for all us sinners.